Pretense to carry on !!!

This hoax that I carry on, has fooled great many
This path I have chosen is not tread by a grateful lot
do I look for validation, No because the one whose validation I seek is nowhere to be found
and all the faces that I look upon, don't recognize any

I look around me there are people smiling, waiting for me to smile back
I smile back at them always wondering who they are
The voices I have heard before but cannot seem to place a face on them
The small talks I made that are remembered no more

I don't want them to remember me, I love the oblivion
just cant seem to forget moments ... but people  I know no more

I breathe out of lungs, and i recognize this pain
I recognize the emptiness, still can do nothing more

I don't reach out for the fear of being  vulnerable again ..
I cannot be weak in front of others who are out there to hurt me

I wonder how you are, are you okay?  Not because I want you to feel the same
because I once prayed for your happiness and you are a part of my prayers for infinity
I know  am hurt but could wish nothing  but happiness for you
still I feel you are not happy deep inside something I wish I  never felt

The moments we had are a montage, and with us still out there it exists
This normality I search which this soul  might never achieve, but then  one could always carry on with the hoax

I look for things that matter, still nothing matters anymore
I still look for that place you know, aware that down this path I might find it no more
This feelings I have,hold me back, they make me humanly weak
This weakness to embrace, but i don't want to be weak anymore

Almost Lovers

We know each other for a while now , you know me how I go about things
We are more than friends , but not in love . It's as uncomplicated in my head as it could be

I could call you my closest friend but that my dear would be a lie .
I would have called you a lover but giving it that name I won't ever try

I am there for you in the worst of times , in the best there are many to be surrounded by
we have the sweetest thing for each other , isn't it great anyway then why on me this pressure to define

The things we experienced in the short span of time , the knowledge we have about life and flimsy things
we never talk about them for the white noise we enjoy

You understand the sparkle in the eyes , the broken smiles  the  agony of the lost hope
i understand  your urge to know me , knowing I would show no more .

I hope for us to enjoy the moment , I hope we give each other good memories
I am there for you when you are sad 'bout things but giving you pain is never on my mind

I never want to know more than you you want to tell , this rule yes I did define
the music you like i might not but still i could give that a try

I like what we are now , I dont want the clock to run by
for i don't want what we have to end .. I just don't think I should define

But on your insistence I know what we are ..
apart from the fact we are both broken and damaged who survived

Almost Lovers is what we are
And that is what I want for this time ......

Feelings.....!!!!

I am lost wandering off to the other side, I hoped you could save me but you are lost in your own fight
I have fears of losing this time , fears that I might never be able to recover this
I know that this time a part of me that believed in you would die
a part I don't want to lose, a part that now seems never existed
I thought I could work on it , I thought i could align to the way
but all i know that I m lost, lost in the very fear of losing
I try to breathe the air comes still
I try to  hope that you will come around but you never do
I try to tell you that this is wrong, but the fear comes better off me
I don't know what to do anymore
everything  do unravels so fast that I don't even have time to figure things out
I feel suffocated as if air has been sucked out of my lungs
I feel confused
I feel numb
and after a time I wont be around anymore
cause when you realize you are not needed at a place
you pack up and you move
move to a place where maybe you stop feeling about anything

the day this self derogation ends ...

wondering why it went wrong , contemplating words people say to one another , the blames they put
the drama they create
the day when you cry with all the hurt and it ceases to matter anymore
the day you smile because that is a mask you'll put for long
the day when trust is broken by accusing you of breaking it
the day the petty issues are seen from the entire different perspective that is

you grovel , u stare , u try to apologize
for what you know not because you know your heart is clean
you never mean to hurt , you just never gave it importance
u were not hiding you thought it didn't matter now
and yet to try to give an explanation
knowing nothing would make a difference it was a decision long taken

a reason was looked just to dessert you
and the things you are blamed of
the people u are associated with are not even around you
all you look for is an end

to what you know not
you try to make ammends
not realising it was you who is insulted either way
u r blamed of making other person lose trust in you
and yet your own self is derogated

and still you stand looking down the road
in a hope you'll work things out
when all you have to do is just be the old you
locked n conceited
not vulnerable
not attached
the one who never cared the one who never cried
the one who had self respect
one who is human
and is allowed to breathe

I WISH i could scream out the words at some point !!

i sit and wonder sometimes , when is it okey to let go ... when it is ok to say those words ... words you fear would change the dynamics of people around you .... when exactly is the time that you decide that now you have to say something , no matter how hard the words are , no matter you are thrown into the pool of uncertainity right after the words leave your mouth
             what baffles me even more is why do we decide against sayin things , expressing feelings ..is it the fear of having a self obsessed audience or is there a fear that nobody will ever trust you
          when i was a kid , i always thought that words ... the big or the small ones are beautiful i loved the sound of the things around me , as i grew i read a lot of them .... but now when i have to say i am at a loss of words i have nothing to say even if i have to and that is something i dont understand
         mayebe i dont trust words any more ... i hate them , i hate the consequences .. i hate that they might bring out my secrets .. i hate that i might give away more about myself ........or it could be otherwise ... there are words that act as a shield ..the senseless ramble .. a mask , to hide your true self ...but then in the end it's the words that change things around you
                             
 

 i know how much i might loathe it ........ there would always be words i wish i said Out Loud !!!

The fault is in us !!!

This path of self realization has taught me a lot
The fault may be in you , but in this world it's not
We r the ones , who falter in thinking
We r the ones , who let go of the boat sinking
I might be too young to understand this world
But who knows what i think or understand is not to be judged
I might not make a difference but can still make sense
I don't want people to "just love " what i pen
This is something that gives me solace
This is something that keeps me going
It has taught me a lot about my place in this world
For all i can say the fault is always in us !

random scriblings #1

Why when you feel the absolute bliss you have a fear of Losing it all. Why does it feel that one might jinx it . Why do you just cannot say that what that one person means to you are you too scared of putting your vulnerable side out do you feel as if you would let it know that you r actually fragile ... that you don't deserve someone that nice to you when you've been treated lyk a wrthless idiot all your life ... maybe you just don't want to feel good because hurt is exactly what you understand ....its a feeling you knw u deserve ....because deep down you know that its only the name that renders you as creation.... u r nt truly created

wish i knew that a place like that did exist

There is a route out there somewhere ,some solace where there is
that is what this withered soul seeks ,a place where worries do exist
but seem to not matter any more ,the place where there are no mirrors
the place where right and wrong are so blurred that they cease to exist
a place where i do find peace
if i walk down this road would i get there or i'd meet other dead end ...??
if i do go down this road would i cease to exist
would i be released of this pain ??
or would i end up someplace i'd never find true me would there be all veils , would i ever be able to
outgrow  these ?
if i come clean would these veils go ?? or would they be "the new face " .. the face created by the
demons in me !! i know not what i am now , what i was in the past , what would i be in the future ... all
i want is that hourfull bliss of nothing in my mind !!
 why do i think why i cannot be just as silent on the inside as on the outside .
 why icannot comprehend what my thoughts tell me ,
why i cannot i can get myself stop thinkin,
why do all i get isthe buzzz that doesnt let me sleep for nights ....
why i want to make that hissing sound i know not ..... all i know that i am still searchin fr that
place where questions are not answered but just cease to matter ......will i get it down this road
....or would that be the last delinking of thepeace inside this mind of mine ???
should i godown the path ?? or take the exit !!!!

                                            WiSh I KneW thE plaCe liKe tHAt DID EXIST !!

lookin for that closed door

The closed door , still there out somewhere
someplace i don't want to be near
The place i know i would see the true me
and that alone is my fear

Where do i stand , when i look for it
is finding it my sole aim
because i know , its not an arch to heaven
things around me would be just the same

And when i find it for all i know
i'd be adding locks n chain
for it would be the real me that i'd show
that is a feeling that would surpass any pain

OF DEATH AND OTHER DISASTERS

Sometimes it doesn't have to be the actual departure from  the world to be only considered as death , a person dies whenever he or she is wronged . I know i might sound over dramatic but you always have your own little encounter with death ... the cold ,merciless , numbing reality that you cannot away  run from when you loose someone you hold dear , a friend , a lover , a dream , an ambition , or you ......
                                                                   Every time i ended something on a bad note , with hurt, a part of me died , a part of me became ruthless, cruel ,maybe vulnerable too .. as they say " once a wound is exposed .. you cannot expect anything but attack " . I always thought that maybe next time i'd act rather mature about it without realizing that rather than gaining anything  i was loosing the very precious pieces of me . The very person i was in the beginning was lost ,in her  place was this unknown person that i don't  even  remember  i ever  knew .
                                               When i became this self centered person i know not , when did  I, Me , Myself  became my priority i don't remember ... all i know that the day that  happened a part of me died . The day i knew that this was not right but i embarked on the journey anyway i knew i was dead inside , the day things stopped being black or white but a shade of grey i knew i was in purgatory.
                                                             All i am doing now is waiting for hell to brake loose but i know it won't i know ,i have to go through everything as if its not a big deal  but it is .. death doesn't come easy but what if you are already dead before you come face to face with the actual one ...
                              Life is a vague notion because all our life what we wait for is to be good enough so we can die in peace .. i say we  experience death at every point we decide that we are going against our own soul grain .. whenever we wrong a friend , whenever we are cruel to the people around us , whenever we take someone for granted and then leave the person as if we never knew him or her , when we stop caring for issues that we once cared for ,a part of  us dies ... same happens when we give our everything to a cause and end up broken , hurt , angry
                                   I don't say loosing someone or departing from the earth is not sorrowful  it sure is but so is loosing the very you because when ever you loose a part of your soul you cannot bring it back and you realize it after a time when you can do nothing about it , all you can do is move on .... i don't have any right to offend anyone but then what do i say on that or why do i care about that cause as far as i know

                                                    " I AM ALREADY DEAD "

                                                                                                                

i KNOW ITS CHEEZY !! BUT YOU KNOW MY LOVE FOR CHEESE N HELLO YOU DESERVE IT !!!

L.O.V.E - I'D be perfectlly honest here .i never understood it ,n i was upto my neck in it at the same time .
i knw evryone has the quotes to describe  love  i have a perfect one for me too d

"LOVE IS EXACTLY LIKE ORANGE , IN ORDER TO GET THE REAL TASTE  YOU HAVE GET RID OF THE REAL

WASTE "

SO then again i say it cn  be wasted , it cn be acquired , it cn fly away , it cn be there somewhere around n
still unknown . one thing is sure that it is somethin way above the suger coated version i got addicted to as
a teenager . maybe bein in love taught me dat or maybe you did !!! this is a dedication to the guy who
grew love in me !! who himslf proclaims that "even if u r a nutcase , moody , stupid ,impulsive brat it wont
stop myself from spoiling you a little more "
                                                   i wont say i saw you n i fell in love wid you ,you totally know dats not
me ... you knw hw much tym it took me to say that i <3 u !! u were n always will be my best frnd  rather
than a soulmate bec a frnd is way above that n u r the best in the lot . you are the one who knows what i m
thinkin , you r the one i cn discuss anythin on the earth with ... u r d one who really listen to my plans ...
you are my support system one tiny hitch n you are there
                                                                       i always thought i was an independent ... practicl girl.
but you showed me another  side of me ... i now knw how dependent i m on you n i still have my freedom
....you showd me how impulsive i m ... u calmed me in a way .... i knw i shout on u at the top of my voice
everytime <ol' habits die hard> ... bt somethin change .. i still love my solitude  but i llo forward to your
company ...... i know this is gettin cheesy !!!
                                           i dnt wish forever togthr < but it dsnt hurt either > but i knw one thing  u r
the most spcl persn in my life rite there with d odr 7 most imp ppl u know !! you r  somone i cn never forget
n hope nver have to!! u r the best frnd  any one would kill for !!! n trust me

 I CAN DO SO TOO !!

ALL I WISH IS YOU ACHIEVE WHAT U DESERVE N REACH WHAT YOU DESIRE !!!

GOOD LUCK !!!

what do i want ??

I never gave much thought to what i want from life . NO wait a second i think about it all bloody time , but still dont have any clue whatsoever . then again do i ever have any ?? .  I ask myself what next then i m like " as life takes me 'cause what i plan never works out "
                                                      Again when i say i m clueless  i don't mean "TOTALLY "clueless bonkers n all . it more like "i know what i want " but  the problem lies in " i exactly don't know what i want "
.well then again everything gets so confusing when it comes to my wants and needs and to comprehend them is really " not my cup of tea".
                                 i want be "super busy " 5 yrs down the line  . By that i mean i don't have time to eat , drink or sleep .i would like to be like well if u prefer it a "ZOMBIE" .all i think  'bout is the time when "work " is going to be the first and last priority up my list . Then i want money , its never bad to have some ?? , it never hurts if u get some extra .All i mean is it's important , extremely important .
                                                  I am a dreamer ,i dream a lot , i dare , i work hard , i work hard to achieve but i don't have any idea what happened to me over the years . i fear i might be losing the "SPUNK " in my soul . that was something that defined me . I might find myself unknown to "what exactly do i want ??" from anything be it my regular snack , relationship with people  or in a generalized term  LIFE.
                              "LIFE" again is a huge word . a word that weighs u down , makes you realize the seriousness  of various situations . the situations that you have no control over . i lyk this so called "life" piece by piece as a slice of an enormous cake  i just dont want the whole bloody cake . But then again its me who has to eat it all up , 'cause if i don't it  goes stale .
                                I want stability  but staleness . stability is  an essential for a mind like mine . but   then again i dont want to ponder over the pros and cons of my decisions .I want to be impulsive , i want to make mistakes . I want to be the same old self . d part of me i loved the most , which i have lost during the years .
                         I know "CHANGE" is important  but i want to change for good . i dnt want to stampeded by these very changes in me . i want to learn everything the world has to teach me to dance , to sing , different cultures , understand people . i want to talk different languages .
                            I want to read , want to read it all . I want to read about things i feel about , issues i care about , stuff i think about .
                       i want to travel A LOT  see places i always wanted  to fr so long . places i  imagined myself visiting  for years
       Then again "i know what i want " but m unsure if THIS IS IT . I m not making any plans , i m never good at them , they never turn up fine . so whenever  i talk "LIFE" i say i never give it much thought . but deep down i know i m lying  . being a liar i know i m doing the right thing in not disclosing what i want  because it doesn't matter , it never did and it never would  what matters is what i "GET' and how i deal with the fact i have to enjoy it , live it all out happily content , never feeling the twitch that this is not what i bargained my life for
                                    I don't  believe in taking small steps up the ladder . i dance nd i want to go ahead  just like any other roadtrip dancing to the tunes life plays for me . i wanna do that until i reach the "DEAD END"   

                    Maybe  this is  " EXACTLY WHAT I WANT "

smthin i cn never name ..................

when u seem to be livin in an illusion
life is nothing but a big confusion
when you spend your life thinkin that everything is nice
u realise that everything is not perfect either wrong shape or wrong size
 i tried my best to make things better
but i dont knw why ppl dont understand wats the matter
they really wait for these dreams to shatter

i dont know if u cannt understand me dere is something called shut your mouth !!!

i don't know what i m writing or for the sake of it what i m writing . when things cloud up inside your head maybe that is exactly how one must feel . i know i am always sad gloomy every day its getting worse nothing seem to work or i guess nothing will ill pick up my pen vent out my anger and burn it then cry my eyes out all alone
its not a matter of love ,seriously before  anyone pass judgement about a stupid girl with broken heart scenario
i have seen so many jerks in my life that i don't really give a damn bout this stupid love anymore its been ages since i thought about it until now .
                                       the exact problem may be the fact how everyone is so focussed on somethin which is of no good , how i m always misunderstood  nobody seems to understand me even for the heck of it . i knw i m clueless but that doesn't make me dumb .people being judgemental  about each and every other thing , i hate all of it . i hate it when i give my hundred prcnt to aperson and in return i get nothin infact i m treated lyk a child . how i m accussed of being untalkable , how i m hurt so easily as if wont make any difference i wonder would it really matter if a calamity occurs in d world or pluto cause ill b d one to blame for it  and then would be accused of not takin criticism seriously . man i call u ppl jerks for doin it to me . i call u insensensitive for not carin bout sm1's feelings .but above all if u cannot understand me admit it rather than tryin to create some fake version in your mind <if u do dat its entirely your call > and treating me accrdin to dat  cause dats not me and really people it hurts !!!!

time to contemplate

confussions .... i wish thm clearer

i m here back again
but still smthin is amiss
there is no silent noise in d rain
i evn cnnot enjoy dis bliss
d pain it gave me 2 b near dere
was better thn this uneasiness here
i wanted the numbness to evry bitter word of yours
i wanted to tear down the memories of u sayin those
i m living or i m half dead
i wish if  i had d rite to have a say on everythin said 

sometimes i think of d days dat went by

revisiting those places
again n alone
give me a strange sense ..... a sense i cn never define
its sometin i always avoided n someting dat creeps into my head every single time
it give me creeps that d best days of my life were spent here and now i  m her to avoid very memory of those
i might b blabberin, makin no sense , but i knw it could give my thots a rest
.....................
i wish u were here near me... i wish u were around ....i wish i could hear all dat  unknown sound
i wnt ask u to cme back
i wont ask u to b here
i wont ask u to be anywhr near
leave me to myself  .. n please dnt look back
dats not wht i need frm u ...leave me to myself cause dat is smthin with whch i wud heal !!