I WISH i could scream out the words at some point !!

i sit and wonder sometimes , when is it okey to let go ... when it is ok to say those words ... words you fear would change the dynamics of people around you .... when exactly is the time that you decide that now you have to say something , no matter how hard the words are , no matter you are thrown into the pool of uncertainity right after the words leave your mouth
             what baffles me even more is why do we decide against sayin things , expressing feelings ..is it the fear of having a self obsessed audience or is there a fear that nobody will ever trust you
          when i was a kid , i always thought that words ... the big or the small ones are beautiful i loved the sound of the things around me , as i grew i read a lot of them .... but now when i have to say i am at a loss of words i have nothing to say even if i have to and that is something i dont understand
         mayebe i dont trust words any more ... i hate them , i hate the consequences .. i hate that they might bring out my secrets .. i hate that i might give away more about myself ........or it could be otherwise ... there are words that act as a shield ..the senseless ramble .. a mask , to hide your true self ...but then in the end it's the words that change things around you
                             
 

 i know how much i might loathe it ........ there would always be words i wish i said Out Loud !!!

The fault is in us !!!

This path of self realization has taught me a lot
The fault may be in you , but in this world it's not
We r the ones , who falter in thinking
We r the ones , who let go of the boat sinking
I might be too young to understand this world
But who knows what i think or understand is not to be judged
I might not make a difference but can still make sense
I don't want people to "just love " what i pen
This is something that gives me solace
This is something that keeps me going
It has taught me a lot about my place in this world
For all i can say the fault is always in us !

random scriblings #1

Why when you feel the absolute bliss you have a fear of Losing it all. Why does it feel that one might jinx it . Why do you just cannot say that what that one person means to you are you too scared of putting your vulnerable side out do you feel as if you would let it know that you r actually fragile ... that you don't deserve someone that nice to you when you've been treated lyk a wrthless idiot all your life ... maybe you just don't want to feel good because hurt is exactly what you understand ....its a feeling you knw u deserve ....because deep down you know that its only the name that renders you as creation.... u r nt truly created

wish i knew that a place like that did exist

There is a route out there somewhere ,some solace where there is
that is what this withered soul seeks ,a place where worries do exist
but seem to not matter any more ,the place where there are no mirrors
the place where right and wrong are so blurred that they cease to exist
a place where i do find peace
if i walk down this road would i get there or i'd meet other dead end ...??
if i do go down this road would i cease to exist
would i be released of this pain ??
or would i end up someplace i'd never find true me would there be all veils , would i ever be able to
outgrow  these ?
if i come clean would these veils go ?? or would they be "the new face " .. the face created by the
demons in me !! i know not what i am now , what i was in the past , what would i be in the future ... all
i want is that hourfull bliss of nothing in my mind !!
 why do i think why i cannot be just as silent on the inside as on the outside .
 why icannot comprehend what my thoughts tell me ,
why i cannot i can get myself stop thinkin,
why do all i get isthe buzzz that doesnt let me sleep for nights ....
why i want to make that hissing sound i know not ..... all i know that i am still searchin fr that
place where questions are not answered but just cease to matter ......will i get it down this road
....or would that be the last delinking of thepeace inside this mind of mine ???
should i godown the path ?? or take the exit !!!!

                                            WiSh I KneW thE plaCe liKe tHAt DID EXIST !!

lookin for that closed door

The closed door , still there out somewhere
someplace i don't want to be near
The place i know i would see the true me
and that alone is my fear

Where do i stand , when i look for it
is finding it my sole aim
because i know , its not an arch to heaven
things around me would be just the same

And when i find it for all i know
i'd be adding locks n chain
for it would be the real me that i'd show
that is a feeling that would surpass any pain

OF DEATH AND OTHER DISASTERS

Sometimes it doesn't have to be the actual departure from  the world to be only considered as death , a person dies whenever he or she is wronged . I know i might sound over dramatic but you always have your own little encounter with death ... the cold ,merciless , numbing reality that you cannot away  run from when you loose someone you hold dear , a friend , a lover , a dream , an ambition , or you ......
                                                                   Every time i ended something on a bad note , with hurt, a part of me died , a part of me became ruthless, cruel ,maybe vulnerable too .. as they say " once a wound is exposed .. you cannot expect anything but attack " . I always thought that maybe next time i'd act rather mature about it without realizing that rather than gaining anything  i was loosing the very precious pieces of me . The very person i was in the beginning was lost ,in her  place was this unknown person that i don't  even  remember  i ever  knew .
                                               When i became this self centered person i know not , when did  I, Me , Myself  became my priority i don't remember ... all i know that the day that  happened a part of me died . The day i knew that this was not right but i embarked on the journey anyway i knew i was dead inside , the day things stopped being black or white but a shade of grey i knew i was in purgatory.
                                                             All i am doing now is waiting for hell to brake loose but i know it won't i know ,i have to go through everything as if its not a big deal  but it is .. death doesn't come easy but what if you are already dead before you come face to face with the actual one ...
                              Life is a vague notion because all our life what we wait for is to be good enough so we can die in peace .. i say we  experience death at every point we decide that we are going against our own soul grain .. whenever we wrong a friend , whenever we are cruel to the people around us , whenever we take someone for granted and then leave the person as if we never knew him or her , when we stop caring for issues that we once cared for ,a part of  us dies ... same happens when we give our everything to a cause and end up broken , hurt , angry
                                   I don't say loosing someone or departing from the earth is not sorrowful  it sure is but so is loosing the very you because when ever you loose a part of your soul you cannot bring it back and you realize it after a time when you can do nothing about it , all you can do is move on .... i don't have any right to offend anyone but then what do i say on that or why do i care about that cause as far as i know

                                                    " I AM ALREADY DEAD "