Pretense to carry on !!!

This hoax that I carry on, has fooled great many
This path I have chosen is not tread by a grateful lot
do I look for validation, No because the one whose validation I seek is nowhere to be found
and all the faces that I look upon, don't recognize any

I look around me there are people smiling, waiting for me to smile back
I smile back at them always wondering who they are
The voices I have heard before but cannot seem to place a face on them
The small talks I made that are remembered no more

I don't want them to remember me, I love the oblivion
just cant seem to forget moments ... but people  I know no more

I breathe out of lungs, and i recognize this pain
I recognize the emptiness, still can do nothing more

I don't reach out for the fear of being  vulnerable again ..
I cannot be weak in front of others who are out there to hurt me

I wonder how you are, are you okay?  Not because I want you to feel the same
because I once prayed for your happiness and you are a part of my prayers for infinity
I know  am hurt but could wish nothing  but happiness for you
still I feel you are not happy deep inside something I wish I  never felt

The moments we had are a montage, and with us still out there it exists
This normality I search which this soul  might never achieve, but then  one could always carry on with the hoax

I look for things that matter, still nothing matters anymore
I still look for that place you know, aware that down this path I might find it no more
This feelings I have,hold me back, they make me humanly weak
This weakness to embrace, but i don't want to be weak anymore

Almost Lovers

We know each other for a while now , you know me how I go about things
We are more than friends , but not in love . It's as uncomplicated in my head as it could be

I could call you my closest friend but that my dear would be a lie .
I would have called you a lover but giving it that name I won't ever try

I am there for you in the worst of times , in the best there are many to be surrounded by
we have the sweetest thing for each other , isn't it great anyway then why on me this pressure to define

The things we experienced in the short span of time , the knowledge we have about life and flimsy things
we never talk about them for the white noise we enjoy

You understand the sparkle in the eyes , the broken smiles  the  agony of the lost hope
i understand  your urge to know me , knowing I would show no more .

I hope for us to enjoy the moment , I hope we give each other good memories
I am there for you when you are sad 'bout things but giving you pain is never on my mind

I never want to know more than you you want to tell , this rule yes I did define
the music you like i might not but still i could give that a try

I like what we are now , I dont want the clock to run by
for i don't want what we have to end .. I just don't think I should define

But on your insistence I know what we are ..
apart from the fact we are both broken and damaged who survived

Almost Lovers is what we are
And that is what I want for this time ......

Feelings.....!!!!

I am lost wandering off to the other side, I hoped you could save me but you are lost in your own fight
I have fears of losing this time , fears that I might never be able to recover this
I know that this time a part of me that believed in you would die
a part I don't want to lose, a part that now seems never existed
I thought I could work on it , I thought i could align to the way
but all i know that I m lost, lost in the very fear of losing
I try to breathe the air comes still
I try to  hope that you will come around but you never do
I try to tell you that this is wrong, but the fear comes better off me
I don't know what to do anymore
everything  do unravels so fast that I don't even have time to figure things out
I feel suffocated as if air has been sucked out of my lungs
I feel confused
I feel numb
and after a time I wont be around anymore
cause when you realize you are not needed at a place
you pack up and you move
move to a place where maybe you stop feeling about anything

the day this self derogation ends ...

wondering why it went wrong , contemplating words people say to one another , the blames they put
the drama they create
the day when you cry with all the hurt and it ceases to matter anymore
the day you smile because that is a mask you'll put for long
the day when trust is broken by accusing you of breaking it
the day the petty issues are seen from the entire different perspective that is

you grovel , u stare , u try to apologize
for what you know not because you know your heart is clean
you never mean to hurt , you just never gave it importance
u were not hiding you thought it didn't matter now
and yet to try to give an explanation
knowing nothing would make a difference it was a decision long taken

a reason was looked just to dessert you
and the things you are blamed of
the people u are associated with are not even around you
all you look for is an end

to what you know not
you try to make ammends
not realising it was you who is insulted either way
u r blamed of making other person lose trust in you
and yet your own self is derogated

and still you stand looking down the road
in a hope you'll work things out
when all you have to do is just be the old you
locked n conceited
not vulnerable
not attached
the one who never cared the one who never cried
the one who had self respect
one who is human
and is allowed to breathe

I WISH i could scream out the words at some point !!

i sit and wonder sometimes , when is it okey to let go ... when it is ok to say those words ... words you fear would change the dynamics of people around you .... when exactly is the time that you decide that now you have to say something , no matter how hard the words are , no matter you are thrown into the pool of uncertainity right after the words leave your mouth
             what baffles me even more is why do we decide against sayin things , expressing feelings ..is it the fear of having a self obsessed audience or is there a fear that nobody will ever trust you
          when i was a kid , i always thought that words ... the big or the small ones are beautiful i loved the sound of the things around me , as i grew i read a lot of them .... but now when i have to say i am at a loss of words i have nothing to say even if i have to and that is something i dont understand
         mayebe i dont trust words any more ... i hate them , i hate the consequences .. i hate that they might bring out my secrets .. i hate that i might give away more about myself ........or it could be otherwise ... there are words that act as a shield ..the senseless ramble .. a mask , to hide your true self ...but then in the end it's the words that change things around you
                             
 

 i know how much i might loathe it ........ there would always be words i wish i said Out Loud !!!

The fault is in us !!!

This path of self realization has taught me a lot
The fault may be in you , but in this world it's not
We r the ones , who falter in thinking
We r the ones , who let go of the boat sinking
I might be too young to understand this world
But who knows what i think or understand is not to be judged
I might not make a difference but can still make sense
I don't want people to "just love " what i pen
This is something that gives me solace
This is something that keeps me going
It has taught me a lot about my place in this world
For all i can say the fault is always in us !

random scriblings #1

Why when you feel the absolute bliss you have a fear of Losing it all. Why does it feel that one might jinx it . Why do you just cannot say that what that one person means to you are you too scared of putting your vulnerable side out do you feel as if you would let it know that you r actually fragile ... that you don't deserve someone that nice to you when you've been treated lyk a wrthless idiot all your life ... maybe you just don't want to feel good because hurt is exactly what you understand ....its a feeling you knw u deserve ....because deep down you know that its only the name that renders you as creation.... u r nt truly created