random scriblings #1

Why when you feel the absolute bliss you have a fear of Losing it all. Why does it feel that one might jinx it . Why do you just cannot say that what that one person means to you are you too scared of putting your vulnerable side out do you feel as if you would let it know that you r actually fragile ... that you don't deserve someone that nice to you when you've been treated lyk a wrthless idiot all your life ... maybe you just don't want to feel good because hurt is exactly what you understand ....its a feeling you knw u deserve ....because deep down you know that its only the name that renders you as creation.... u r nt truly created

wish i knew that a place like that did exist

There is a route out there somewhere ,some solace where there is
that is what this withered soul seeks ,a place where worries do exist
but seem to not matter any more ,the place where there are no mirrors
the place where right and wrong are so blurred that they cease to exist
a place where i do find peace
if i walk down this road would i get there or i'd meet other dead end ...??
if i do go down this road would i cease to exist
would i be released of this pain ??
or would i end up someplace i'd never find true me would there be all veils , would i ever be able to
outgrow  these ?
if i come clean would these veils go ?? or would they be "the new face " .. the face created by the
demons in me !! i know not what i am now , what i was in the past , what would i be in the future ... all
i want is that hourfull bliss of nothing in my mind !!
 why do i think why i cannot be just as silent on the inside as on the outside .
 why icannot comprehend what my thoughts tell me ,
why i cannot i can get myself stop thinkin,
why do all i get isthe buzzz that doesnt let me sleep for nights ....
why i want to make that hissing sound i know not ..... all i know that i am still searchin fr that
place where questions are not answered but just cease to matter ......will i get it down this road
....or would that be the last delinking of thepeace inside this mind of mine ???
should i godown the path ?? or take the exit !!!!

                                            WiSh I KneW thE plaCe liKe tHAt DID EXIST !!

lookin for that closed door

The closed door , still there out somewhere
someplace i don't want to be near
The place i know i would see the true me
and that alone is my fear

Where do i stand , when i look for it
is finding it my sole aim
because i know , its not an arch to heaven
things around me would be just the same

And when i find it for all i know
i'd be adding locks n chain
for it would be the real me that i'd show
that is a feeling that would surpass any pain

OF DEATH AND OTHER DISASTERS

Sometimes it doesn't have to be the actual departure from  the world to be only considered as death , a person dies whenever he or she is wronged . I know i might sound over dramatic but you always have your own little encounter with death ... the cold ,merciless , numbing reality that you cannot away  run from when you loose someone you hold dear , a friend , a lover , a dream , an ambition , or you ......
                                                                   Every time i ended something on a bad note , with hurt, a part of me died , a part of me became ruthless, cruel ,maybe vulnerable too .. as they say " once a wound is exposed .. you cannot expect anything but attack " . I always thought that maybe next time i'd act rather mature about it without realizing that rather than gaining anything  i was loosing the very precious pieces of me . The very person i was in the beginning was lost ,in her  place was this unknown person that i don't  even  remember  i ever  knew .
                                               When i became this self centered person i know not , when did  I, Me , Myself  became my priority i don't remember ... all i know that the day that  happened a part of me died . The day i knew that this was not right but i embarked on the journey anyway i knew i was dead inside , the day things stopped being black or white but a shade of grey i knew i was in purgatory.
                                                             All i am doing now is waiting for hell to brake loose but i know it won't i know ,i have to go through everything as if its not a big deal  but it is .. death doesn't come easy but what if you are already dead before you come face to face with the actual one ...
                              Life is a vague notion because all our life what we wait for is to be good enough so we can die in peace .. i say we  experience death at every point we decide that we are going against our own soul grain .. whenever we wrong a friend , whenever we are cruel to the people around us , whenever we take someone for granted and then leave the person as if we never knew him or her , when we stop caring for issues that we once cared for ,a part of  us dies ... same happens when we give our everything to a cause and end up broken , hurt , angry
                                   I don't say loosing someone or departing from the earth is not sorrowful  it sure is but so is loosing the very you because when ever you loose a part of your soul you cannot bring it back and you realize it after a time when you can do nothing about it , all you can do is move on .... i don't have any right to offend anyone but then what do i say on that or why do i care about that cause as far as i know

                                                    " I AM ALREADY DEAD "

                                                                                                                

i KNOW ITS CHEEZY !! BUT YOU KNOW MY LOVE FOR CHEESE N HELLO YOU DESERVE IT !!!

L.O.V.E - I'D be perfectlly honest here .i never understood it ,n i was upto my neck in it at the same time .
i knw evryone has the quotes to describe  love  i have a perfect one for me too d

"LOVE IS EXACTLY LIKE ORANGE , IN ORDER TO GET THE REAL TASTE  YOU HAVE GET RID OF THE REAL

WASTE "

SO then again i say it cn  be wasted , it cn be acquired , it cn fly away , it cn be there somewhere around n
still unknown . one thing is sure that it is somethin way above the suger coated version i got addicted to as
a teenager . maybe bein in love taught me dat or maybe you did !!! this is a dedication to the guy who
grew love in me !! who himslf proclaims that "even if u r a nutcase , moody , stupid ,impulsive brat it wont
stop myself from spoiling you a little more "
                                                   i wont say i saw you n i fell in love wid you ,you totally know dats not
me ... you knw hw much tym it took me to say that i <3 u !! u were n always will be my best frnd  rather
than a soulmate bec a frnd is way above that n u r the best in the lot . you are the one who knows what i m
thinkin , you r the one i cn discuss anythin on the earth with ... u r d one who really listen to my plans ...
you are my support system one tiny hitch n you are there
                                                                       i always thought i was an independent ... practicl girl.
but you showed me another  side of me ... i now knw how dependent i m on you n i still have my freedom
....you showd me how impulsive i m ... u calmed me in a way .... i knw i shout on u at the top of my voice
everytime <ol' habits die hard> ... bt somethin change .. i still love my solitude  but i llo forward to your
company ...... i know this is gettin cheesy !!!
                                           i dnt wish forever togthr < but it dsnt hurt either > but i knw one thing  u r
the most spcl persn in my life rite there with d odr 7 most imp ppl u know !! you r  somone i cn never forget
n hope nver have to!! u r the best frnd  any one would kill for !!! n trust me

 I CAN DO SO TOO !!

ALL I WISH IS YOU ACHIEVE WHAT U DESERVE N REACH WHAT YOU DESIRE !!!

GOOD LUCK !!!

what do i want ??

I never gave much thought to what i want from life . NO wait a second i think about it all bloody time , but still dont have any clue whatsoever . then again do i ever have any ?? .  I ask myself what next then i m like " as life takes me 'cause what i plan never works out "
                                                      Again when i say i m clueless  i don't mean "TOTALLY "clueless bonkers n all . it more like "i know what i want " but  the problem lies in " i exactly don't know what i want "
.well then again everything gets so confusing when it comes to my wants and needs and to comprehend them is really " not my cup of tea".
                                 i want be "super busy " 5 yrs down the line  . By that i mean i don't have time to eat , drink or sleep .i would like to be like well if u prefer it a "ZOMBIE" .all i think  'bout is the time when "work " is going to be the first and last priority up my list . Then i want money , its never bad to have some ?? , it never hurts if u get some extra .All i mean is it's important , extremely important .
                                                  I am a dreamer ,i dream a lot , i dare , i work hard , i work hard to achieve but i don't have any idea what happened to me over the years . i fear i might be losing the "SPUNK " in my soul . that was something that defined me . I might find myself unknown to "what exactly do i want ??" from anything be it my regular snack , relationship with people  or in a generalized term  LIFE.
                              "LIFE" again is a huge word . a word that weighs u down , makes you realize the seriousness  of various situations . the situations that you have no control over . i lyk this so called "life" piece by piece as a slice of an enormous cake  i just dont want the whole bloody cake . But then again its me who has to eat it all up , 'cause if i don't it  goes stale .
                                I want stability  but staleness . stability is  an essential for a mind like mine . but   then again i dont want to ponder over the pros and cons of my decisions .I want to be impulsive , i want to make mistakes . I want to be the same old self . d part of me i loved the most , which i have lost during the years .
                         I know "CHANGE" is important  but i want to change for good . i dnt want to stampeded by these very changes in me . i want to learn everything the world has to teach me to dance , to sing , different cultures , understand people . i want to talk different languages .
                            I want to read , want to read it all . I want to read about things i feel about , issues i care about , stuff i think about .
                       i want to travel A LOT  see places i always wanted  to fr so long . places i  imagined myself visiting  for years
       Then again "i know what i want " but m unsure if THIS IS IT . I m not making any plans , i m never good at them , they never turn up fine . so whenever  i talk "LIFE" i say i never give it much thought . but deep down i know i m lying  . being a liar i know i m doing the right thing in not disclosing what i want  because it doesn't matter , it never did and it never would  what matters is what i "GET' and how i deal with the fact i have to enjoy it , live it all out happily content , never feeling the twitch that this is not what i bargained my life for
                                    I don't  believe in taking small steps up the ladder . i dance nd i want to go ahead  just like any other roadtrip dancing to the tunes life plays for me . i wanna do that until i reach the "DEAD END"   

                    Maybe  this is  " EXACTLY WHAT I WANT "

smthin i cn never name ..................

when u seem to be livin in an illusion
life is nothing but a big confusion
when you spend your life thinkin that everything is nice
u realise that everything is not perfect either wrong shape or wrong size
 i tried my best to make things better
but i dont knw why ppl dont understand wats the matter
they really wait for these dreams to shatter